Children are naturally curious, and their questions can catch you off guard especially asking after the death of a loved one. However, with a thoughtful approach, it’s possible to explain this delicate subjects like cremation in a comforting and honest way. Young children view the world very differently from adults. Their understanding of life and death is often simplistic, and they may not grasp the finality of death until they are older.
Children between the ages of three and five, for instance, may see death as temporary or reversible. They might think of it as something akin to sleep or a journey. This can influence how they process the concept of a loved one passing away and, subsequently, what happens to the body.
When discussing cremation, being sensitive to your child’s perspective is as important as the discussion. You don’t need to dive into graphic details but offer clear, simple, and appropriate explanations for their age.
Preparing for the Conversation
Before you begin the conversation, it’s helpful to prepare yourself mentally. Consider the specific words you want to use and how you will respond to any questions your child might have. It’s okay to rehearse what you’ll say, as this can help you approach the conversation with confidence and calmness.
Start by asking your child what they know about death or if they have any questions about what happens after someone dies. This can give you a sense of their current understanding and help you gauge how much detail to provide. Remember, it’s okay to show emotion. It’s natural to feel sad or tearful when talking about death, and your child will likely appreciate your honesty. Seeing you express your emotion gives them a ground to share their feelings too.
Explaining Cremation in Simple Terms
When explaining cremation, it’s important to use simple, straightforward language. You might begin by explaining that when someone dies, their body stops working and they no longer feel pain or discomfort. You can then explain that there are different ways to care for the body after death, and cremation is one of those ways. You might say something like, “When someone dies, we have to take care of their body. One way to do that is by cremation. This means that the body is gently turned into soft ashes, which we can keep in a special place or scatter somewhere meaningful.”
It’s important to emphasize that cremation does not hurt the person who has died, as their body no longer feels anything. Reassuring your child that the process is gentle and respectful can help alleviate any fears or confusion.
Answering Your Child’s Questions
It’s important to answer your child’s questions honestly and be mindful of their age and emotional state. If a question is difficult or you don’t know the answer, it’s okay to say, “That’s a good question. I’m not sure, but we can find out together.”
Here are some common questions children might ask and how you can respond:
- “Does it hurt?”
Reassure your child that cremation does not hurt because the person who has died doesn’t feel anything anymore. You might say, “No, it doesn’t hurt at all. The person’s body is very peaceful and calm during the process.” You can also tell them about your experience with cremation when you were their age. - “What happens to the ashes?”
Explain that the ashes can be kept in a special place, like an urn, or scattered somewhere important to the dead. You might say, “Some families keep the ashes in a beautiful urn at home, and some people like to scatter them in special places like a garden or by the sea.” - “Can we visit them if they’re cremated?”
You can explain that while you can’t visit the body like you would at a grave, you can visit the place where the ashes are kept or scattered. You might say, “Even though we can’t visit the body, we can visit the special place where their ashes are, and we can remember all the happy times we had with them.” - “Why do people choose cremation?”
Keep the explanation simple saying “Different families have different traditions and beliefs. Some people choose cremation because it’s what their family has always done, or because it feels right for them.”
Encouraging Emotional Expression
Discussing cremation with your child isn’t just about giving them information—it’s also about helping them process their emotions. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, and let them know feeling sad is okay, confused, or even angry. Grief is a complex emotion, and children may need extra support to navigate it. You can help your child express their feelings by providing creative outlets, such as drawing pictures, writing stories, or creating a memory box for the dead. These activities can be therapeutic and provide a way for your child to honor and remember their loved one.
It’s also important to remind your child that they can always come to you with their feelings not just during the initial conversation. Grief can be a long process, and your child might have new questions or feelings that arise weeks or even months later.
Honoring and Remembering the Loved One
After discussing cremation with your child, finding ways to honor and remember the loved one can provide comfort and a sense of closure. You can involve your child in decisions on keeping the person, which could be through a memorial service, creating a special photo album, or choosing a meaningful place to scatter the ashes.
If your family plans to hold a memorial service or ceremony, consider involving your child in the planning. This could be as simple as allowing them to choose a favorite song, write a message, or pick flowers for the service. Being part of the process can help your child feel connected to the loved one and provide a way to say goodbye.
In the end, Talking to your child about cremation is undoubtedly a difficult task but also an opportunity to support them through a challenging time and help them develop a healthy understanding of life and death. Your child might need time to process the information and may return with more questions later. That’s okay—what’s most important is that they know they can talk to you about their feelings whenever they feel ready. Ultimately, the goal is to help your child navigate their emotions, understand what cremation is, and find meaningful ways to remember and honor their loved one. With your guidance and support, they can begin to heal and find peace during their grief.
